Dear Diary
So I almost left, I was on the verge of leaving. I had already divided our assets and planned out my new future in my head. When my big brother stopped me and told me to just think about it, he sent me some stuff to read through as well.
So here’s what happened. I kept on and on at my husband, forcing him to tell me y, tell me y he refuses to be with me intimately until finally he blurted out that he isn’t attracted to me. At first I must admit I felt all the air drain out of my head like someone just punched me. It was not a pleasant thing for me to hear. I didn’t know how to react, I didn’t know how to fix this. And I guess as woman our first instinct is to try and fix everything right? And in my mind I instantly classified this as an unfixable situation. And I linked that to packing my bags and leaving. I allowed myself to give in to my borderline depression and just cry, I don’t even know how my body produces the amount of tears that it does, and yet it does. The next morning I opened up to my best friend who agreed with me (being in a loving marriage herself) that I should leave him. But first I had to speak to a family member. Having no dad, and a mum who gets more emotional then she realises and always somehow makes me feel as if I’m the one to blame I spoke to older brother. He assured me that this was a common marriage problem for people married for 7 years or more. Still despondent I agreed not to be hasty.
And he sent me some reading material on the topic.Before I could even read the material I decided in my mind that I have given way too much of myself to this man, so much so that I lost the part of myself that makes me happy. And how on earth was I going to make anyone else happy if I myself wasn’t happy, right? So I decided that he needed to go. For a short period at least he needed to let me discover myself again, bring back the old jovial happy version of myself without all his negativity bringing me down.
Then I read a blog about a woman who saved her marriage in a similar situation, and her way was so similar to my new thinking.
And now I guess I realised I allowed too many voices in my head, to many people dictating what I needed to do, what I wasn’t doing right, etc etc and in that process I forgot about myself, and what I really want and what makes me happy. And once I realised that my husband was in no position to make me happy I decided that that should be my first priority towards sorting out my marriage, because again how can an unhappy me make anybody else happy.
So project make me happy commences finnaly!!!!!!! It’s about bloody time!
faithlessjournal 