So much more than just a girl

I am a girl. A female, and that seems for most of my life to be some sort of crime. Don’t get me wrong I love being feminine. I love my girly side and all the benefits that comes with being a girl. What I do not like is that because I am a female I am considered weak, naïve, and so many other derogatory terms.

This is something I am sure many woman experience. In the culture I was raised (an Indian culture as well as Islamic) woman are seen as creatures that need to be looked after. We have one role and that is to nature and raise good children and keep a good home. Anything else is outside our realm of expertise. My own home is somewhat more liberal than that, in that woman are allowed to study and work, but of course they are not allowed to abandon their original roles in society.

This mentality caged me in many ways, so many things in my culture that I am ‘not allowed’ to do according to my families culture. I cannot be an unmarried woman or chose not to have kids, I cannot travel alone or live alone or move to a new country alone. Honestly I can see where they are coming from and where these roles and concerns stem from.

But let’s stop for a second and rewind. STOP. Bring it back to me. I wish that they would stop looking at me a girl, as a female, as a sex. I wish to be looked at as a human. Pass all those stereotypes and generalisations that a woman is incapable of looking out for herself. Stop the bullshit and look at me as I am. I think that because I am a girl, people look past my personality and make automatic assumptions of what I can and cannot do. But let me tell you something, I am a DAMN lot tougher then a lot of men I know.

From a little girl I had a strong personality. I know men that say they do not like woman with strong personalities, because we do not let them dominate us. I have been a tough cookie since I was a kid. I can be a fiercely stubborn, unrelenting, strongly independent and have a mind filled with a wandering curiosity. All of the above my family see, but they see it as negative qualities in me. I am NOT a submissive woman. I would say those traits can have good and bad sides to them all. And as I have grown I have learnt to balance my personality and use my traits in a more positive way, which my family does not see.

Let me tell you a story about little me, I use to always stand at the gate of my house, behind the iron bars, staring out and the horizon, craving to see what was out there, craving adventure, experience and a life rich with memories. But as I grew up I started to realise how limited my memories would come to be. Each life seems to be a copy paste experience of the other in my culture with the small altering difference here and there. We grow up in a cosy family, encounter some various difficulties along the way, go to school (sometimes not), graduate, sometimes study further, then get married, have kids, raise them kids, complain about them kids, complain about other people’s kids, compare kids to our kids, make our whole lives about the kids, kids grow up, kids inevitably have to live their lives, then we complain how our kids are so ungrateful. When I was married, I saw this cycle repeatedly, and started to feel trapped in a life that was not mine. I felt like I was living a copy of someone elses robotic, meaningless, futile life in a cycle that I hated. I wanted so much more. I wanted to live, to FEEL alive. To feel a life that electrifies my soul every time something amazing happens, a life that I am in control off. Not my mother or my husband, but me.

Once I cut my husband’s control of me out of my life, I slowly started living again. I started to breath a little. Until my mother decided to smother me again, raining doubt down on my own abilities, you are a girl, it is dangerous, and you cannot live your own life alone.

Well let me tell you what I have done, on my own, once I grabbed the steering world of my life. I grabbed control and sorted out my mind, I found myself a therapist and a bunch of really supportive friends that are like family to me. I slowly filtered all the toxic people out of my life. I fixed my mental health and feel completely amazing and human again. I got myself TWO good jobs that granted me a lot of experience in my field. And I have reached almost all of my goals, a few of the most recent ones are visiting my Boyfriend abroad, having MANY electrifying moments with him, celebrating New Years abroad and landing me a job in a foreign country which is something of my bucket list once I go over there.

Now the last one is what really got me thinking and my blood pumping with some of the comments I have received about myself working in a country on my own. O my blood boils. Let me try and keep my emotion out of this. I am now a grown woman, pushing 30, I have lived my own life and still am and I have learnt with every step I have taken. I am getting tired of people treating me like I am some 14 year old girl packing a back pack and walking out into the big bad world unprepared. I am not a stupid woman. I am perfectly aware of what ‘could’ happen to me or ANYONE but let me tell you those same things could happen anywhere! And while I am not stupid enough to NOT TAKE PRECAUTIONS that I am well aware I would have to take in certain situation, at the same time I do NOT apologise for not LIVING IN FEAR. Recently a man tried to be condescending to me and I threw him out of my life so fast because I do not need such limited, negative minded people in my life. He said something about along the lines that ‘my opinion of how things work’ will get me raped so I should be extra careful. Mind you, this was because I had a different opinion then him on a controversial topic. Imagine that, a woman dares to have a mind that reads widely on an issue and get her own opinion, shocking really. Then he dared to ask if my boyfriend is not worried about me living alone overseas. For those of you that have this mindset, that woman in general are stupid and incapable of looking out for themselves check out many females around the world that dare to make it out there on their own, one of them being GRRRL Traveller on YouTube.

Once again, I am tired of being seeing as a stupid little girl and wish more woman would start speaking out about this gender bashing attitudes that limit the lives of so many amazing woman that could be so much more if they wish to be.

Just to be clear though there obviously is nothing wrong with woman that enjoy the traditional roles, all I am saying is we are not ALL THE SAME and this generalisation needs to stop.

Now this article is limited to my own experience, as this is what I know best, but I would love to hear others experiences related to fighting being held back as a woman.

Reflections

Wow, it has been a long time since I wrote in this blog. I guess I have experienced a range of emotions in this time. It has been a crazy few months.

But here is the main thing, I am happy. I am more than just happy, I am content. I have accepted my life and started actively working towards getting what I want in the future.

So much has happened and I am just in the mood to reflect right now. I had a huge fall out with my extended family, they pretty much do not exist to me anymore (yes if you are reading this and this applies to you, please take it personally). My family snooped into my life and now I am the talk of the town as the atheist, slut who is dating a white man. Even though I am passed the incident I still get a bit mad thinking about it, naturally. The song in this blog is dedicated to my ‘dear family’ it is so appropriate. At the time I found out I was so upset, hurt, betrayed and felt like hiding my head in the sand. They ripped my privacy out from right underneath me and deprived me of the right to disclose information I was comfortable with. I don’t want to go into too much detail about them, they are not really worth too much of my attention. I did however right an angry letter to them that I wanted to post here, but after calming down I realised that sadly almost everyone has family like this and stooping down to their level won’t solve anything. I need to rise above their filth. And I hope that I have. No matter what I do they will never change. But I will say this much about them, I am highly disappointed in the lot of them. They have no idea what family means.

Well aside from that nasty incident with unpleasant people who I vaguely remember what they look like because I programmed my brain to forget they exist. I am now on my way to a job out of the country! Much excitement there! Part of me cannot believe it is happening to me. But I did this. I made this happen. Every step of the way was my own doing, with the help of some of my friends of course. I am ecstatic and part of me won’t believe it until I am on the plane and out of this country. The events of the last few months sadly made it easier to leave my family behind. But there are a few I will miss. But still the excitement of finally living and working in a foreign country, something that I always wanted to do, is amazing.

I feel like things are finally on track, yes life isn’t perfect, I deal with bad things all the time or almost daily, but somehow my mind seems to focus on the positive now, which is so refreshing from where I use to be.

All in all I feel like I have come a long way, and I am proud of myself and my progress.

I won’t allow the minds of inferior beings bring me down.

“Band-aids don’t fix bullet holes
You say sorry just for show
If you live like that you live with ghosts
If you love like that blood runs cold”   – Taylor Swift

What is wrong with Fairy Tales?

What is wrong with fairy tales? Romantic notions? Romantic songs? I know these mediums get a lot of negativity. Some say they create an unrealistic version of what love should be like. But really though what is so unrealistic about a man loving a woman with all his heart, a woman knowing that this man is the one for her. What is wrong with two people overcoming all obstacles so that they could end up together with the one they love? What is wrong with a love so deep nothing can keep them apart? Unrealistic you say? Well, a lot of these love stories are based on true life stories, on true love. The notion of true love is not impossible, it is more improbable. But the idea has stemmed from somewhere, and has been witnessed by some lucky few. To name a few epic love stories that are based on real life stories, The Vow, Bright Star, Becoming Jane and one of my more recent favourites based on a very unorthodox love story, The Theory of Everything.

I am not trying to change anyone’s view on love. All I am doing is presenting my own view, which I will admit, changes from time to time. A little historical background about my views on love, my first encounter of true love was with my dad, being an only daughter I loved my dad a lot and was his little princess. I had six short but beautiful years with him, it took me most of my life to move on, as he was murdered when I was six. I grew up a Disney girl, I would soak up these movies and get wrapped up in them. My favourites being The little mermaid and Alladin. There was a reason I was so drawn to these movies, it was to me because in both movies I saw young girls who felt like they did not belong in their worlds and yearned to leave. The finding a prince part did not appeal so much to me as even as a little girl I found it sweet but unrealistic and it did not fit into my independent streak. I wanted independence but on my own terms, not a man’s.

As a teenager, hormones kicked in and I became a typical awkward teen. Pimples, braces, glasses, throw on overweight, I was the whole dork package. Not surprisingly unpopular. Most teenage girls know what it’s like at this time, trying so hard to fit in when its only years down the line you realise you where meant to stand out. I can safely say as a teenager, with a mother that constantly put me down all I wanted was one guy to tell me I was pretty, just one. And no doubt that one guy came along. Told me everything I wanted to hear, and married me when I was eighteen. All was shiny for a like thirty seconds. So again I will ask, what is wrong with fairy tales? Why are they unrealistic? Tell me, is it realistic to have a man that loves you but neglects you? Is it realistic to have a man that expects the world from you but barely gives you a strand of grass? Is it realistic to have a man that will not stand up for you when his peers put you down? Are we to believe that finding a decent person on this earth that would love you with all their heart and soul, who would stand by your side no matter what, that would not complete you but compliment you in a way you never thought possible? If this is now called a fairy tale I shudder for humanity. What have we become when true love is such an improbably coarse? What have we become when we start believing we deserve less then true love?

Yes, in my seven year marriage I gave up on true love and accepted ‘reality’. I gave in to believing anything pure existed, fairy tales where just fairy tales. Reality was being a dutiful wife in a loveless marriage because that was ‘realistic’. I embraced the idea that true love did not exists.

I have found true love shortly after giving up. I can’t guarantee it is a love that would last forever, but I know with all my heart that it is a pure love, a love that is sadly very rare. And I can say with all certainty that this is my fairy tale. This is MY love story. Whether it ends happily or in tears, it is a love story worth telling, it is a tale of modern day love, a tale of an improbable love, a story many would look at sceptically and say they will never make it. But, we will, and even if we don’t it is still a memorable journey I would never come to regret.

This is a true story that has it all, it has love and heart ache, it has drama and villains, it has trials and tribulations and moments of pure joy. And what I love most about it is, it is my very own real life love story and I am enjoying every minute of it.

So what is wrong with fairy tales?

Make it go away

So I am writing this here, as I know hardly anyone reads this and well, surprise, my name isn’t really Jasmine. I wish it was though, love that name.

I am not okay. I have not been okay for a very long time. I know I shouldn’t be complaining and I really don’t want to so I am going to call this a vent, I always have so much to get off my chest. I am so mentally exhausted, to a point that no one can help me anymore. In all honesty I don’t feel like being around anyone, I feel like locking myself away in my room and isolating myself completely, cutting of everyone, even my online friends. I really feel like just drifting away slowly. I want a moment of weakness. A moment where I can stop acting like I am so god damn strong. A moment where I can just break and let myself fall to the ground, and crumble and just stop, stop feeling anything. I am tired of feeling. Because when you know what happiness feels like, sadness is so much more stronger. I hate saying I am broken, I am just tired. Drained.

I have a few people in my life, but all of them are busy or going through their own stuff and at some point you get tired of going over the same things and sounding like a whiny child. So I put on a face that I am okay, I put on a face that I don’t need them and I am there for everyone. But it’s tiring, because I live in a world where I am constantly acting. I am acting like I am a Muslim. I am acting like I am into living a certain way, I am acting like I am strong and that I am okay.

Now I have come to a point of wondering why. Why am I doing this? Why am I battling these demons every day? I can’t seem to think of a reason. I have one person, just one, that believes in me. Just one person that loves me as I am. Once I leave this life, if that one person leaves me somewhere along the way, I will be completely alone. I will have no family behind me, none that still believe in me or support me, or even accept me. The friends I grew up with will be leaving me as soon as I come out. The same friends I have been by their sides through so much, they will drop me, just like that.

I will be alone. I am not scared of living alone. But I am wondering if it’s worth living without anyone on my side. I am afraid of losing it all, losing everyone that make up a big part of my life. A big part of who I am.

I just want, to be at peace. To not have to be so constantly paranoid, to not have to look over my shoulder every minute, feel like someone is always watching me, acting like I am okay. Trying to hide my depression from my mother. Having to have to make excuses just to go to the gym as she wouldn’t approve of it. Hiding everything I am doing that she wouldn’t approve of. I just want to shut my door and stay in my room forever. I am tired of being a grown woman who is treated like a child.

I see no reason why I am still fighting, for an unknown future of a whole lot of could bes. But more, getting what I want means losing everything that I have. I no longer see it. I’ve lost my silver lining. And I don’t even think I want to find it again. Because I am just so exhausted. Because I am not strong. I am not a fighter. I am just a grown woman that fears so many things. And I am tired of feeling it all. Just make it go away.

Just make it go away.

Another Rant: Intolerance and emotional abuse

Okay! That’s enough! I am so tired of this trend that seems to be all around me. It seems that years of establishing, culture, religion and trying to form a civilised society has actually left humanity in a state of complete intolerance! Yes we are in the 21st century. And yes, I am pleased to see things moving towards a change in people trying yo be more tolerant but the fact that we have to work at being tolerant shows that somewhere along the way, dividing ourselves in to cultures and tribes has left some bitter backlash.

Yes I have not had a particularly hard life, in all honesty I have been pretty spoilt all my life. I have no dad, he died when I was young. My mum was, let’s say traditional, still is, I was never physically abused in any way. Emotionally yeah, I have been on the receiving end of emotional abuse for most of my life. And that’s were m anger comes in. I have dealt with my monsters, my past, but when I see others going through the same, feeling exactly how I felt, being treated exactly how I have been, it boils my blood.

The after effects of emotional abuse are not a joke. There will always be this voice in your head, a voice that’s edged right into your brain by every single person that degraded you, the voice saying you not good enough, you never will be, you will never be like us! Yes a collective us. There is always some cultural stereotype an emotional abuser wants to mould you into, and in their frustration from realising they cannot control, manipulate or mould another human being they lash out. They lash out a world of insults that burn into the corners of your brains.

I have been on the point of suicide several times, not because I feel that life is meaningless or purposeless or anything like that. No, I have been suicidal because I feel, about sixty percent of the time that I am not strong enough to deal with life. I have anxiety, I suffer from depression, most of the time I feel like I cannot do the simplest of things, something as small as making my therapy appointment sets me into a frenzy. I am not stating all this for pity or support; I thankfully have enough of that therefore I am still here today. But I am saying this because I have been there, I am there. I am standing at the after effects of a life time of emotional abuse. I have several dreams and things I want to do, but I am terrified to any. My biggest dream is to be an author, but I am so afraid that I am not good enough that I barely work up the courage to write professionally. In my head I feel I am never good enough to be anything but an Indian housewife and trust me I couldn’t even get that right.

All this happened due to intolerance, due to the people around being unable to accept me one hundred percent as I am. Till now I live with a thousand expectations from friends and family most of which will NEVER happen. But I finally found my people. Sadly all of them live miles away, but ALL of them contributed to helping me realise I AM NOT THE PROBLEM. I just want a different life. And there is nothing morally wrong with the life I want to live.

I use to feel like I cause people to react in certain ways towards me, that I trigger something in them. In fact, with my current relationship I always feel like I am going to fuck up, as if I am goig to damage my boyfriend somehow. It’s a constant struggle.

But I just want to say this, to all my friends struggling with the same problems, you were never the problem, it isn’t you. In a relationship problems are NEVER one sided. Sure we may contribute towards why a certain relationship is not working, but it is NEVER truly just your fault.

At some point you got to ask yourself if you could live with people who you have to wear different masks for all the time. Would they still be with you if you remove the masks? Do you really want to lay your life in the hands of people that cannot accept you as you are? Is it in the end up to them if you live, exists, survive or die? Are they really worth all that? Are they worth your life?

It’s your life. Not theirs. And at some point you have to take a leap, a final leap to rid the toxins and embrace the supportive people in your life and just breathe and move on.

There’s no point on letting some intolerable assholes who can’t see who great you are make you feel worthless for the rest of your life.

A moment of pure Anger: To all those that make me harbor a ball of anger.

Look at me. Look into my eyes. Stand there and stare at me as I bare myself to you. What do you see? Is it a bottomless pit of emptiness? No, I am not empty, what you see is rage. You can see it building up, a glare that would bust out any second. It will build up, and I repress it, into a smooth passive aggression, until I am someone I don’t recognize. You make me this way. You do this to me. You kill my spirit. You try to mould me and you weaken me, you break me down. That’s what you want isn’t it? You want me to break! You want to break the spirit in me that you despise. You want me to be just another mindless sheep. Yes, you continue to break me, to dampen my spirit, to knock me off my feet. But this anger that I have, behind these eyes, this fire inside of my soul, it keeps me burning, it keeps me alive. Even if for just one mind numbing second I come alive, because my spirit, is too strong for you. And that is why this relationship, these relationships in my life, they must die. Because this is what you all want, you’ll want to mould me, you’ll want to control me, you all want to shape my life. The ideal woman, no, fuck that. You all want me to be YOUR own versions of what a fucking ideal woman should be! I want to be free from it all.

I want to tell you all something. I want you all to look me in the eyes, stare at me, go on, look! There is NOTHING wrong with me. Do you want to know why I spent two years isolating myself from you all?? Do you want to know why I backed myself into a little corner and kept away? No, don’t assume that it’s because I am not a family person. Stop fucking assuming what I am and what I am not! I kept away because I want you all to stop having any ‘hope’ for me to one day turn into that precious little perfect Indian wife that is all ‘submissive’ to her master husband and breeds a shit load of kids and lives happily ever after. That is NEVER going to happen. I want you all to give up on me. I want you all to lose all that hope you have for what you‘ll want my life to be. So I can finally be free from your expectation. I WANT you all to ‘give up on me.’ That is the only way I can live my life for me.

I wish you’ll could be a family for me, support my choices, my beliefs, my lifestyle and be by my side. I am not bad at being family orientated as you all assume. YOU are all bad at being my family, because when I truly need you guys to not just love me but to ACCEPT me as I am, you all turned away from me. And yes, that is when I first heard the words, ‘I give up on you.’

You know what I have to say about that, FUCK YOU. You give up on me? Who the fuck do you think you are? Do you think I need you and your fucking expectations to dictate how I live my life? I fucking needed your support and acceptance. Instead I had to go out and find my own family. People that accept and understand me. People that are there for me no matter what. And it pains me that these people are not my actual family, my actual family betrayed me.

You guys say I am a huge disappointment to you all. Well guess what, you are all a huge disappointment to me! And I will never bring another human into this world so that I can control and mould them into what I think a perfect human should be, because as humans we are all flawed. We are human, we love, we hate, we hurt, and we are not perfect. And I am tired of trying to fit into all your moulds of what would make me perfect. I am what I am. And soon I will remove this mask I wear to please you all and reveal the real me.

The woman who loves fiercely, the Indian girl that is proudly dating an amazing white man, a free spirit, a woman of passion, of dark humor, a woman who embraces all the darkness of her past and uses it to move forward, to survive. One day I will have no secrets from you all. And that will be your final test, to either be my family, or walk away. But I am not holding any responsibility for how you chose to act once my mask is moved. That decision is ALL on you. I will not feel guilty for being who I am.

And if you want to walk out of my life, kindly shut that door behind you and leave me the fuck alone.

With all the anger you guys made me feel

Fuck off

Please.

It’s just a not so little story: Part one

There was a moment of inspiration. A moment I felt like I could put in all on paper, I could pour it all out using the exact right words. Finally explain myself, to the world and to myself. Finally I understand, I have some sort of clarity on how I got where I am, of where I am headed. And the moment felt, transformational, it was blissful, serene, peaceful, but, it was just a moment. It was fleeting and what followed, was a string of disturbing emotions. When I was thrust from my moment into my reality and a dark cloud hovered over my head for many days. It loomed for a while, it was depression, it was a feeling of being incomplete, alone, too far away from the person I am. For two days I did nothing, for two days all I wanted was to sleep and go back to a moment that now feels like a dream, too far away from right now. It was something I could not handle.

This is probably confusing to you, so let me explain. I have a story, one that is somewhat interesting and far from finished. But it may be a story worth telling. As it is my story, I will take the liberty in taking some artistic liberties, because let’s be honest without them my story may seem pretty drab. But I can assure you that what I am about to tell you is based relatively close to the life I have lived till now.

So I shall give myself a name, you can call me Hannah. No, sorry I am not Hannah Montana, but let’s say my name is Hannah Daniels. I am an average woman, about to turn twenty seven, in three days time. I have a useless degree and a just as useless honors degree. I have a ton of skills and hobbies, but I truly am a jack of all trades and a master of none.

Like I mentioned I am twenty seven, but I feel like I have lived several lives in my short time on this earth. Let me explain that I am extremely weird, not in the sense that people generally like to call themselves weird and unusual nowadays, no nothing like that. I seem to be very different from the average person. I feel like my brain is wired differently, this will be tricky to explain, but I have a very unorthodox way of thinking. It has always been this way, from the time I was little I saw things differently. At first I thought that maybe I am just different from my family and cultural community. But as I grew up and started expanding my social circles I realized how truly different I am.

If you interested in this, and are still reading about my abnormal personality, then maybe writing this is not a total waste. I will try and walk you through what I mean, the differences I noted in myself. One thing that stands out for me is that people seldom ever get what I am saying, it is like I speak in some foreign language, and yes, I speak in English. I will express a though or idea, and most of the time, people will interpret it totally different from what I meant, could be I have problems communicating or the people I am speaking to have a limited understanding of the world. So my first odd characteristic is that I am largely misunderstood, but what’s weird about that is I don’t seem to care too much about that.

Another odd complexity I possess is the ability to always see both sides of a situation, even if the situation involves myself, I always see both sides and try to understand things from a humanistic point of view. Why I say this is weird, is because I seldom ever have people take my view into consideration, while I almost always look at both sides. And looking at both sides can be, somewhat confusing, but I will get into that a bit later.

I tend to think very differently as well, my though process is a bit odd, when it takes the average person a while to understand something complex, I can digest information quite fast. This presents a problem, I know I sound cocky here, trust me this is not my intention.  If I possess any intelligence at all it is very unorthodox as I again tend to take in a lot of various bits of different information and am not a master in anything. But it is my curiosity; it is this sense of urgency I possess in which I wish I could learn about every single topic on this earth even if just in bits and pieces, my mind wants to know. I have a hungry brain. I have a curious mind. I am not sure if this is a good thing or not.

So that is a bit about me, a fish out of water, stumbling along this earth for twenty seven years, until I finally somehow adapted and adjusted to the person that I am. I finally accepted myself. But that was not an easy path. Like I said I feel like I lived many lives. This part of acceptance, this is like part five of my life.

If this sounds remotely interesting to you, then I shall humbly write about part one, which is the sweet and sour story, where all adult problems stem from, of course that is my childhood.

Reflections

It was during the last two years of my marriage. I had truly tried everything, I had tried therapy, couples counselling, romantic holidays, giving in to whatever he wanted and at some point completely loosing myself in the process. Everyone was advising me, try, do this and that, just keep trying it will get better. Because divorce is sooooo taboo, and no one will tell you, its over hun. And somehow everyone’s advice ended up indirectly saying somehow this was my fault. I had an aunt who was a therapist and she told me that I have no where to go if I get divorced because of my relationship with my mum. She told me I have to ‘Decide how much I can take’ I had no idea wtf she meant by that. Anyway so after everyone telling me I am a bad wife and I need to submit to my husband. I gave up. I truly believed that there was no such thing as real love, it was all conditional. I resigned myself into believing that my future was to submit and slave to a man that barely cared about me as a person, but liked the idea of me as a wife. A woman without a personality, a blank slate, a slave. I resigned into believing that that was all life had for me and since in the Indian culture marriage and children are everything, I believed I had to submit to that role. The dutiful wife. I gave up on any other life.
and trust me things did change
So FUCKING much
And my change catalyst was Dan
And trust me
I was NOT expecting it
he changed everything

Diary of a desperate house wife Part Seven

Dear Dairy

Im finally feeling that happiness again, but it comes from the thought that I am ready to let him go now, it comes from feeling a certain joy from being free from him. We had a talk the other day (or at least tried to) but with our level of understanding each other it didn’t go down well as usual. Basically I was trying to tell him that I want to separate from him on a good terms, that we both were essentially good people but it seems we just not good together. As usual I don’t know what he heard, what he understood, what he felt. This communication between us has always been such a HUGE problem and that is exactly what I didn’t want from the beginning. I always tried to communicate with him, talk to him about anything, but it turned out I just couldn’t in the end, it turns out we were never on the same level that way. And really how do I spend the rest of life with someone I can’t even talk to… And I mean really talk too. Not just hey how was your day and then end of conversation, I want someone I can open up to, talk to, be a friend to before a lover, I want to live with my best friend, not someone I have to constantly defend myself to.

I was younger when I got married, I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted, I was awestruck by a man who showed me attention and loved me despite what I looked like at the time. I was swept away by that. I didn’t think what I was looking for, what kind of guy I wanted to spend my life with, if we had things in common, if we could have a life together. And for seven years I battled on and off to understand him, to talk to him, to make him understand me, make him feel happy for my achievements, but it never amounted to much. And trust me I know that he is a good man, with good values and morals, thats why I held on to him for so long. But I can’t remain with a good man in a relationship that has no love, affection and above it all no friendship. And I can no longer have people telling me your problems are small and silly you can work it out. Why the hell should I be the one trying to work it out while he sits in front of the TV every single night ignoring me so completely? And every single weekend I have to sit in my house while he again sits and watches TV and I’m suppose to fix things?? Really?? If this is what he wants from life and marriage it really isn’t what I want….

And honestly this isn’t the lifetime companionship that I want, it is better to feel lonely when you are alone, then to feel lonely when you suppose to be with somebody.
I’m so afraid people are not going to understand my decision, I’m so afraid of starting over, I’m so afraid of rebuilding and reforming my life… I need the strength, I need the support, how come doing what’s right for you can be the hardest step to take. I’m so exhausted from trying to decide what to do. Yet I know now that the thought of being without him makes me feel happy and at ease…
I guess I have some toughening up to do …

Diary of a desperate housewife Part 6

Dear Diary

“This is aint a good time, but when is ever? I know a perfect time and baby that’s never. So you don’t you dare leave me now, throw my heart on the ground, coz tonight aint the night for sorrow, but you can hurt me tomorrow.”

Listening to these lyrics, feeling the music pump through me, I seem to be regressing to the me I use to be before I got married, on one hand that was a very irresponsible version of me which I know I won’t go there again, but the part of me being a self conscious, low self esteem, craving attention adult is where I don’t want to go. I really need this man to leave me alone for a little bit, I need to be left to bring myself out of this darkness, I need to feel all the things that I use to feel, I need to full myself with passion, passion about me, my life, my passion that makes me stand up above a crowd and differentiates me, that makes me, me. I realise I invested too myself in this relationship, so much so that I lost that important part of me that makes me who I am, that keeps me happy, that fills my adrenaline, I need that back. Coz now I KNOW for a fact that this relationship is never going to make me happy, that this relationship is not going to let me be who I am, who I want to be, that this relationship only breaks me down. And I need to build myself back up, I need to survive, stop giving in to this unhappiness and once and for all stop listening to all the people who keep telling me how much more sacrifices I need to make for this man…

I owe him nothing anymore, I owe myself love and kindness, I owe it to myself to be good to me because I need to be my own best friend, not my worst enemy, I need to be on my side before I can find anyone else to be on my side as well.

I hope he gives me my space, I hope he leaves for a while, I don’t want to be responsible for him and his feelings anymore. I need to look after myself now, alone, with just people who are there to make me feel better, not anyone who is going to bring me down. Ever. I need my escape from this cage. I need to feel free of all that is pulling me down. That’s all I want right now, I just want to be happy. Just want to full myself with that happiness that I had.

Thats all I want  and hopefully I will get that