Diary of a Desperate housewife Part 3

Dear Diary

I really want this all to end. I see no light at the end of this tunnel, no happy ending, I see despair, gloom, unhappiness. I see it all. I know im suppose to be positive and trust me I so want to. And possibly the only reason I’m still here is because of that undying piece of hope that is wedged somewhere in the corner of my heart. I hope that he would look at me with love again, I hope that he would hold me in his arms because he wants to, I hope that he would kiss me hungrily, feel for me, need me. But no, this is marriage. This is what no one warned me about going in. They were all so worried I must not disrupt the family, be a good daughter in law, a good wife. But no one told me that one day he would start taking you for granted, one day the spark will die, one day he will turn away from you, but still he will expect it all from you. Still he would want you to be that same wife, dutiful to him and his entire extended family. And that’s when you have to close yourself of from the world, put on those big girl panties and learn to survive. Learn to survive in a marriage where he is happy with not trying to bring back that spark. Where he is happy if he never had to touch you again. Where the words I love you will never be spoken. I don’t know how much longer I can hold out like this, I don’t know how much of patience a woman is suppose to have, especially when you are certain that things will never go back to the way they use to be.

Its hard to just leave though, I built my life here. I have students I cant let down, commitments, people depending on me… I built my life around this man. And now I have to decide if I am willing to start over on my own, its not ideal, its not what I wanted. I don’t want God to be angry with me, I don’t want God to tell me you were not an obedient wife, u didn’t try, u didn’t do your best. I can be punished in this world rather then in the next. But its a big sacrifice for me. Days of my life go by without love and affection. What can I do to replace love in my life, what drug can I take, what can I learn to love instead.

I guess I have to keep reminding myself that life is not fair, not in this lifetime. There is no happily ever after, there is no magical unforgettable night with someone special. In fact in my almost seven years of marriage I’ve never had that one special unforgettable night. I barley have any fond memories, nothing extraordinary. Sure we loved each other, sure we had good times, I’m not saying we didn’t. But there is not one single night of spontaneous energy that I would look back fondly at when I’m old and say that was a night, a night I’l never forget…
Instead I would have many nights of crying, tear soaked pillows, that hollow feeling in my heart, nights of loneliness, nights of wondering, nights of self doubt… this is what I’ll have to look back at in old age.

Strangely writing in you diary is suppose to make me feel better, but it always makes me ask myself, why am I still here… what am I fighting so hard for… is this it? Is this life? Is this what I have to live with? I just want to feel again. Feel good, feel loved, appreciated, wanted. All needs I have to learn to stifle if I want to live in this marriage. I don’t know how much more I can force myself to keep at this. But I suppose I must. Because I dug my own grave by agreeing to get married. I closed all the doors in my life, and have to stay shut in this one. That was my choice, no one forced me.

So till next time I feel like walking out that door dear diary. Till next time 