Dairy Diary
Its not an easy battle trying to reclaim my happiness when he is still around. I cant wait for him to leave. I just need to be away from him. Its amazing how he can’t seem to see what he is or isn’t doing to me. Being around him is just a reminder of my failure.
A while back, when we just married, I was questioning if we were meant to be together, if we really loved each other, and he looked at me with those big puppy dog eyes and said that if I told him I didn’t love him I would break his heart. How I wish I could go back in time and crush his heart right then and there instead of waiting seven years for him to break my heart, repeatedly.
I hold so much of anger in my heart and I have no idea how to express it! If I was a caster, like in beautiful creatures I would definitely be taken to the dark side with all this uglyliness stewing inside of me. And right now I just want my own happiness back, I cant care about this man who has so little feelings for me, I cant slave for him more then I need to, more then I have to.
I am so angry because he sat there and accused of being this horrible wife and person, while throwing out every single thing I have ever done for him. Did he not come home to a clean house, well dressed wife and a freshly cooked meal every single day? Did I not always put his needs before mine? Did I not leave my entire world to join his? So I made a few mistakes? Im human for God sake! Who the hell does he think he is. Judging me, spawning me, humiliating me and then expecting me to change even more
for his royal ass to get what in return.
So much anger!!!!!!!!!!! So much hate!!!!!!!! I wish I could just leave without having to have to think so hard about it, without having to have to fight so hard for this. It was a long time ago that we actually loved each other, it was along time ago that things where good, it was so long back I can no longer remember being happy with him. All I remember is this. All I feel is this pain, anger, resentment.
And I want to feel happy, trust me, I want to feel again, I want my heart to open up, I want to trust, I want to love, I want all those things… but if I have to sacrifice love to be happy, I think I want happiness over anything else.
I have too many people dictating my thoughts, telling me what to do, how to think, all I want now is my happiness back. Now I need to figure out what would make me happy, and I need to take that step, I need to make myself happy again. With or without my husband.
This is the last chance he will be given, and I guess I should tell him that… I just don’t feel like honouring him by giving him the advantage of knowing this is his last chance. One person can not fix a marriage by them self, no matter what anyone says…
I do wonder though, what kind of marriage we would have if we should ever work things out. I wonder if I could truly forgive him for breaking my heart so much in so many ways. I wonder if I could I allow him to touch me intimately, the way we use to, ever again. I wonder if I could ever love or trust him with the innocent love and trust I had before? Things have changed, I wonder how much more they will change, for better or worse?
So if I survive another day or two, till next time
faithlessjournal 