Look at me. Look into my eyes. Stand there and stare at me as I bare myself to you. What do you see? Is it a bottomless pit of emptiness? No, I am not empty, what you see is rage. You can see it building up, a glare that would bust out any second. It will build up, and I repress it, into a smooth passive aggression, until I am someone I don’t recognize. You make me this way. You do this to me. You kill my spirit. You try to mould me and you weaken me, you break me down. That’s what you want isn’t it? You want me to break! You want to break the spirit in me that you despise. You want me to be just another mindless sheep. Yes, you continue to break me, to dampen my spirit, to knock me off my feet. But this anger that I have, behind these eyes, this fire inside of my soul, it keeps me burning, it keeps me alive. Even if for just one mind numbing second I come alive, because my spirit, is too strong for you. And that is why this relationship, these relationships in my life, they must die. Because this is what you all want, you’ll want to mould me, you’ll want to control me, you all want to shape my life. The ideal woman, no, fuck that. You all want me to be YOUR own versions of what a fucking ideal woman should be! I want to be free from it all.
I want to tell you all something. I want you all to look me in the eyes, stare at me, go on, look! There is NOTHING wrong with me. Do you want to know why I spent two years isolating myself from you all?? Do you want to know why I backed myself into a little corner and kept away? No, don’t assume that it’s because I am not a family person. Stop fucking assuming what I am and what I am not! I kept away because I want you all to stop having any ‘hope’ for me to one day turn into that precious little perfect Indian wife that is all ‘submissive’ to her master husband and breeds a shit load of kids and lives happily ever after. That is NEVER going to happen. I want you all to give up on me. I want you all to lose all that hope you have for what you‘ll want my life to be. So I can finally be free from your expectation. I WANT you all to ‘give up on me.’ That is the only way I can live my life for me.
I wish you’ll could be a family for me, support my choices, my beliefs, my lifestyle and be by my side. I am not bad at being family orientated as you all assume. YOU are all bad at being my family, because when I truly need you guys to not just love me but to ACCEPT me as I am, you all turned away from me. And yes, that is when I first heard the words, ‘I give up on you.’
You know what I have to say about that, FUCK YOU. You give up on me? Who the fuck do you think you are? Do you think I need you and your fucking expectations to dictate how I live my life? I fucking needed your support and acceptance. Instead I had to go out and find my own family. People that accept and understand me. People that are there for me no matter what. And it pains me that these people are not my actual family, my actual family betrayed me.
You guys say I am a huge disappointment to you all. Well guess what, you are all a huge disappointment to me! And I will never bring another human into this world so that I can control and mould them into what I think a perfect human should be, because as humans we are all flawed. We are human, we love, we hate, we hurt, and we are not perfect. And I am tired of trying to fit into all your moulds of what would make me perfect. I am what I am. And soon I will remove this mask I wear to please you all and reveal the real me.
The woman who loves fiercely, the Indian girl that is proudly dating an amazing white man, a free spirit, a woman of passion, of dark humor, a woman who embraces all the darkness of her past and uses it to move forward, to survive. One day I will have no secrets from you all. And that will be your final test, to either be my family, or walk away. But I am not holding any responsibility for how you chose to act once my mask is moved. That decision is ALL on you. I will not feel guilty for being who I am.
And if you want to walk out of my life, kindly shut that door behind you and leave me the fuck alone.
With all the anger you guys made me feel
Fuck off
Please.
faithlessjournal 