Dear Diary
“This is aint a good time, but when is ever? I know a perfect time and baby that’s never. So you don’t you dare leave me now, throw my heart on the ground, coz tonight aint the night for sorrow, but you can hurt me tomorrow.”
Listening to these lyrics, feeling the music pump through me, I seem to be regressing to the me I use to be before I got married, on one hand that was a very irresponsible version of me which I know I won’t go there again, but the part of me being a self conscious, low self esteem, craving attention adult is where I don’t want to go. I really need this man to leave me alone for a little bit, I need to be left to bring myself out of this darkness, I need to feel all the things that I use to feel, I need to full myself with passion, passion about me, my life, my passion that makes me stand up above a crowd and differentiates me, that makes me, me. I realise I invested too myself in this relationship, so much so that I lost that important part of me that makes me who I am, that keeps me happy, that fills my adrenaline, I need that back. Coz now I KNOW for a fact that this relationship is never going to make me happy, that this relationship is not going to let me be who I am, who I want to be, that this relationship only breaks me down. And I need to build myself back up, I need to survive, stop giving in to this unhappiness and once and for all stop listening to all the people who keep telling me how much more sacrifices I need to make for this man…
I owe him nothing anymore, I owe myself love and kindness, I owe it to myself to be good to me because I need to be my own best friend, not my worst enemy, I need to be on my side before I can find anyone else to be on my side as well.
I hope he gives me my space, I hope he leaves for a while, I don’t want to be responsible for him and his feelings anymore. I need to look after myself now, alone, with just people who are there to make me feel better, not anyone who is going to bring me down. Ever. I need my escape from this cage. I need to feel free of all that is pulling me down. That’s all I want right now, I just want to be happy. Just want to full myself with that happiness that I had.
Thats all I want and hopefully I will get that
faithlessjournal 