Dear diary
I am older now, and suppose to be wiser. But lately all I seem to be is highly confused. Maybe one of my biggest mistakes was spending half my teenage life searching for love.
In reality very few people get that special kind of love in this world. Yes I feel cheated. I feel like I will never have what I truly want. But then again maybe what I think I want is not what I need. I remember fulling my teenage dairy with pages of this boy said that to
me and what a sweet message this boy sent me. Well my adult diary will prove much different. I don’t want to full pages about what my husband of seven years did or did not do, I don’t want to complain of being unfulfilled or unloved. But this is my reality. I sit
here typing out this sob story in my bed alone, while my husband sits and watches cartoons in the lounge. I have grown to accepting a certain degree of loneliness in my life. But what I want to really see is how much longer can I accustom myself to living
with a man that cannot love me. How much longer till I crack, I feel myself cracking already, like a pressure cooker. I have all these emotions steaming up inside of me, stewing boiling, ready to explode. I feel like banging my first into a wall until blood
gushes out of every vein in my hand and paints the faded, horribly painted white walls a scarlet dirty red.
I turn to God a lot. And sometimes this helps. Sometimes I just feel more lost and lonely. I wish everyday that I was stronger than this. I wish everyday that I
had more patience and discipline. I even wish that I was brought up typically Indian so that it wouldn’t bother me to have an off Standish husband, so that I could just accept this as my lot in life and move on. How do I do that though? How do I accept that my
husband can no longer will love me. How do I accept that I need to serve him dutifully until I die or until he realises he doesn’t love me anymore and kicks me out. Do I wait for that day while going endless nights of turmoil, emotions and anxiety? Do I waste the
good years of my life waiting to see if my husband will ever change or if he will in fact get tired of me and kick me out. How do I summon up this patience that the women all around me seem to have? How do I phase out my emotions, how do I become selfless? I just want every part of me to stop hurting. I just want to feel alive and happy. I don’t know if I will ever feel loved, I am slowly giving up on that idea. Love does not and will not exist in my world. I am not worthy. I want to pour all this misery out of
me and spill it into a pool and swim in this murky, thick lava of discontent, hatred and inadequacy. I want to feel these emotions outside of me and squirm them around my hand and crush them between my fingers and yell, “this is how you make me feel!” I had dreams of being a woman who could do it all, run my home, see to hub and kids, be highly educated and successful. But I cant even seem to keep my man at this point.
Yes I have failed. And I think that is the hardest part for me, to accept that I have failed so miserably, that I have made so many mistakes that I cant undo. And I am so tired of trying to undo them. So tired of feeling like this horrible wretch. So tired of being the
one to blame. So tired of living with all this guilt. And having this guilt looming in front of me in the shape of a half hearted husband that I am bound to by religion and by my choice. Our choices do define us. Sometimes I feel like I need to redefine my own
choices. Like maybe I need to get use to this feeling of misery. Put away the thought of ever being happy in this world. And just smile at everyone and pretend that everything is fine. Maybe I’ll end up going crazy, but maybe craziness wont be as bad as living in the
mental shackles of my own guilt.
I wished for so much more out of life. I wanted so much more. But here I am. Alone. Afraid. Agitated. I rest my head on this pillow and think what now? I wish I could go back to the last time my husband actually loved me and hold him and kiss him with a passion and make love to him. And then say goodbye before we both turn on each other. Before we both rip each others hearts out. I wish I didn’t need so much from him. I wish I could feel less. I just wish………..
faithlessjournal 